Yes, we're planning on leaving

After seven years here (one as a tourist; six as a famliesammenført,) the decision to go home has been made. There are several reasons behind this choice, even though it means uprooting my six-year-old son from the only 'home' he's ever known.

1. The new immigration law.

As it stands now, I no longer qualify for permanent residency because I can't make 100 points. I can't even fulfill all the requirements for the basic 70, as I haven't been working full-time for at least the past 2 1/2 years. For those who are acquainted with me, you already know it's not because I'm a lazy bum who decided to sit around and do nothing during her entire stay here. I've been struggling with several psychological problems; a couple of which I've had for over half my life and a couple which only presented themselves after I moved here.

My husband emailed Immigration to find out if I qualified for an exemption from the work requirement because of my psychological problems, and from what is written, it doesn't seem that I do.

"Det er af væsentlig betydning for bedømmelsen af denne type af sager, om der er tale om en helbredstilstand, som kan behandles, eller om der er tale om en stationær tilstand uden udsigt til bedring. Såfremt der er tale om en tilstand, som kan behandles, vil udlændingemyndighederne som udgangspunkt henvise den pågældende til på ny at søge om tidsubegrænset opholdstilladelse, når den pågældende opfylder kravene."

(It is of considerable meaning for judgment in these types of cases whether they refer to a health condition, that can be treated, or if they refer to a stationary condition without prospect of improvement. Provided that it refers to a condition that can be treated, immigration authorities will, as a starting point, advise the person in question to apply for permanent residency again when the person in question fulfills the requirements.)

Unfortunately, I know that depression, panic disorder and social phobia are typically viewed as treatable conditions ("Just give her a pill..") so they would just tell me to apply when I can meet the requirements.

In the meanwhile, I'd be worrying over whether or not the Immigration laws would change again while I'd still be in the process of trying to meet the requirements of the current ones. I honestly can't deal with that anymore and I'm unwilling to give at least another 2 1/2 years (but since my shrink doesn't consider me ready to even try having a part-time job yet, it'd be much more than 2 1/2!) to this country just so I could possibly have a permanent residency permit... especially when it's easier for my husband to get permanent residency in the US and my son already qualifies for US citizenship.


2. My family back home

It was never particularly difficult to live six time zones away from my parents.. up until the point where my mum got diagnosed with cancer, had to undergo surgery, and now is having her chemo treatments. She's doing very well and not suffering any side-effects, but this entire episode left me with some very disturbing thoughts to ponder while I've been beating myself up for not being there by her side when she needs me, along with a renewed sense of how important it is for my parents to be able to spend time with their only grandson (and me, too!) It's not worth it to me to live here anymore; not when I have family who we should be busy making memories with.


3. Education

Looking at the state of the Danish public school system these days is a very frightening thing indeed. Even though our particular city hasn't had to fire very many teachers or cut too many programs (just most of the gym classes for younger students,) it still provides me no comfort when I see how seriously lacking the lesson plan for my son's kindergarten class is when compared to that of the kindergarten he could be attending in the city my mum lives in. The disparities don't stop there, either. Year after year, there's a marked difference in what he will learn here and what he could be learning back home.  The State of Michigan's requirements are markedly higher.

Besides that, all the teachers back home are required to attend university (in Michigan, at least a bachelor's degree is required to be a teacher, along with a teaching certificate) and most are specialised in the subjects they teach (example: your math teacher majored in Math, not art.) Here, teachers typically don't even attend university and you have many cases of someone who studied in an 'art track' now teaching Danish. I find this completely unacceptable.

I also prefer the freedom of choice in education in the US. There are public schools (and there's quite a selection in this bracket,) charter schools, private schools and even the option of homeschooling is perfectly acceptable. Heck, there are even public schools that are part of the IB programme in Michigan :)

I want my son to have access to the best possible education I can provide him... and I don't see that happening in Denmark.


4. The Life I Left Behind

Yes, I'll admit it. I miss the things I left behind and have had to do without for the past 7 years... :P But, it's more than just the things. It's people. It's ambiance. It's diversity.. there's so much..


5. Tired of Trying and Getting Nowhere

Despite my psychological issues, I have (both in the past and now, at present) tried to improve my situation. Unfortunately, it's never met with any degree of success. 

Now that I've finally improved enough with my social phobia to handle leaving the house and being around other humans (though, I still am uncomfortable talking to them,) I decided I'd try to have us do something here at the house we haven't done in a long time: Entertain. We haven't entertained at home because I haven't been able to stand having the guests and the prospect of said guests just ignoring me in my own home (as has happened to me soooo many times before) would set me off into panic attack land.

Anyway.. I decided we should try to throw a 4th of July party. It's a few weeks' notice to all the people my husband and I thought to invite, so we figured there'd be some response to it. By and large, people (including my husband's brother) have just ignored the fact they've been invited to something. The three people who bothered to say anything can't come. Nice. People don't wait to ignore me in my own home anymore; they just ignore me outright. 4th of July party... CANCELLED.

Next example: I baked a ton of cookies (out of the kindness of my heart.. or perhaps because, deep down, I'm a masochist) for my son's karate club's graduation party. Given that there were a large number of children at this party, I figured I'd be able to see the cookies disappear relatively quickly. Nope. By the time my husband, son and I were leaving, no one had even bothered to try one. Most were too busy staring at them as though I had laid out three trays of poison. Who knew that peanut butter and M&M cookies, cocoa espresso cookies with white and dark chocolate chunks and cherry cookies with white chocolate icing were scary objects to glare at with fear and disdain? To top it all off, no one, not the foreman of the club, not any of the students, I do mean NO ONE here.. thanked me for contributing the cookies. 

I'm tired of my rare attempts at socialising (such as daring to speak to one of the karate kids' parents) being met with stares that read 'you're from another planet', rudeness, or just plain being ignored.

Could someone please explain to me why I am supposed to get over my social phobia when this is what I have to look forward to here? Oh yes.. could someone also explain to me how I'm supposed to get over said social phobia when ALL attempts at trying to move forward are just met with negative results?! Negative reinforcement... bad.

Is there a risk that this could happen in the US? Yeah.. but, fortunately, I already have a network of friends from when I still lived there that I have kept in touch with through the years via the internet, so I know I'd at least have a few people who wouldn't do that to me and could help me forge some positive experiences.









Edited by damestjernelys - 18 Jun 2010 at 4:23pm

I think you are making the right decision in your situation, Dame.

Some Danes don't even throw a birthday party. They just send their kid to school with candies to distribute. You could do that and give your son a treasure bag for each kid. I did this with a treasure hunt, but the kids really liked to have a bag of commercial treats to take home after the party. It would probably work in class as well.